Woman Who Murdered Three Lunch Guests Asks Court to Send Verdict Back to Kitchen
Prosecutors responded that the original 33-year minimum sentence was undercooked and should be returned for another several decades.
MELBOURNE — Convicted triple murderer Erin Patterson returned to court this week to argue that her murder convictions should be overturned, while prosecutors simultaneously argued that her life sentence—with possible parole after 33 years—somehow wasn’t life-sentencey enough. The judges have reserved their decision on both appeals. ABC News
The competing appeals leave the court with two possible conclusions:
- Patterson received far too much prison.
- Patterson received nowhere near enough prison.
Patterson was convicted of murdering three relatives and attempting to murder a fourth by serving them beef Wellington containing death cap mushrooms, forever ruining the phrase “What can I bring?” at Australian family gatherings.
Her lawyers argued that problems with evidence, jury arrangements, and the prosecution’s conduct deprived Patterson of a fair trial.
“Sure, the jury heard about the lethal mushrooms, the poisoned lunch, the dead relatives, the surviving guest, the discarded food dehydrator, the wiped devices, and the defendant’s sudden inability to remember anything useful,” explained one fictional legal analyst. “But did they hear it in the correct hotel?”
Prosecutors, meanwhile, asked the court to eliminate Patterson’s chance of parole, arguing that a 33-year non-parole period was manifestly inadequate for three murders and one attempted murder.
This marks the first known case in which both sides looked at a life sentence and said, “Absolutely fucking not.”
Patterson’s defense reportedly emphasized the extreme isolation she faces in prison due to her notoriety. Prosecutors countered that becoming internationally famous for turning Sunday lunch into a gastrointestinal Jonestown was not traditionally considered a mitigating factor.
Court observers said Patterson appeared distressed during the hearing, possibly because her appeal presented the rare legal opportunity to exchange a future release date for dying in the building.
The appeals court must now determine whether Patterson deserves a new trial, the same sentence, a longer sentence, or a small laminated sign outside her prison cell reading:
ERIN’S KITCHEN
Open indefinitely
No outside food
No mushrooms
No parole
Legal experts say a ruling could take months, giving Patterson ample time to reflect on her case, examine the evidence, and finally admit that “home cook” is an almost offensively whimsical way to describe someone who used beef Wellington as a fucking murder weapon.